Bonita Goose
by sparklypiggy
Summary: A short parody I did for a contest at my school library. Meet Bonita Goose and learn of her true, unadulterated love for Jeffery the Gnome.


My name's Bonita Goose, and I'm madly in love with a gnome.

The moment I met him my heart fluttered out of control and then stopped, and I felt the color rise in my plain, freckled cheeks, but he only glared at me from his bottle-blue eyes, turning from me coldly, chilling me to the bone and filling my heart so it would burst. At the time I didn't recognize the feeling of destiny, the feeling of two souls binding together in everlasting love, but now I know, I will love him forever, passionately, with reckless abandon, oh, I love him so, I love him as much as the day is long and sea is deep, he completes me in every way, no other could compare (especially leprechauns), you couldn't even possibly know the amount of love that fills my heart by simply looking at him or stroking his soft beard, the way he smiles, laughs, loves me even though I'm plain and brown and clumsy…!

Of course, at the time, I knew none of this, only that he had struck me and I, a new student in a new world (obviously deserving of pity), couldn't believe it. Broken, tattered, already down due to my tragic past with parents who are undeserving of characterization, I set my mind to avoiding him because of his captivating chilliness, and until the class before lunch, I did (much to my disappointment). I was clinging mercilessly to my new friends when he walked into the gym and we fell silent, all staring at him as he waltzed past, as graceful as a swan, but more so. After he passed us, one of my girlfriends snorted.

"What a snob. He and his group of creepy folks can't stand to look at anyone else, like we're trash. Bonita, you should avoid them at all costs."

My heart beat ten times faster, again a sign of the inevitable, unbreakable bond that was already forming between us. As another sign, the teacher paired us up to throw basketballs, and I am terribly clumsy, especially with a ball. I nearly hit him one hundred thirty three times, never on purpose, and he only caught the ball and tossed it back with inhuman accuracy. He was so talented I get chills just thinking about it; he _dazzled_ me.

At lunch I finally got to see his "creepy folks", but sucked in my breath at the sight of them. They were as beautiful as fairytale princes and princesses, but more beautiful. They were all twitching and tense, as if something important were going on, and I secretly daydreamed that their tension was about me.

By the end of the day, he was nearly gone from my mind when I stopped to pick up a book I had dropped on the sidewalk. When I looked up, a little boy on a bicycle was careening towards me at .2 mph, and I was completely frozen in fear.

The next thing I knew I felt a solid force tackle me, and I landed on the soft padded grass with a strong male body on top of me.

"I love you," I breathed. In his warm, safe arms, the world felt right.

His brow wrinkled. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, um, thanks. My name's Bonita Goose. Who're you?"

The mysterious, handsome man drew away from me, as if he couldn't stand to look at me or be near me at all, his love was so overwhelming. He mumbled a quick "Jeffery" and was gone.

Immediately my friends crowded around me, asking if I were hurt, what exactly happened? But in my heart of hearts, I knew that Jeffery had stolen my heart, and it was only a matter of time before he confessed his everlasting love for me. Everywhere I turned I saw him there, in the back of my mind, loving me.

After weeks of denying ourselves, he finally confessed his love, and we made out romantically many times before he told me that he was a gnome. It was shocking and liberating all at once; I had been suspicious, but finally, something had affirmed that my crazy suspicions actually had ground, making me feel so much better about myself! That, and obviously my years of chaste, passive waiting paid off; a gnome, who hadn't loved for centuries, loved me!!

Time passed, and we were madly in love, even though my father disapproved. I stroked his beard, which he could grow in an instant, and we had long, witty talks about our love for one another as we walked down beaches and sat in expensive cars. He even introduced me to the other creepy folks, who were, in fact, gnomes. Each had a secret power that took my breath away. Ally, a dark, relatable girlfriend who always made me do things that my shyness would not allow, had the power to shrink things, like shoes. Tulipine could change her hair color at will. And then there were a few others I didn't care much for.

Then, the saddest time of my entire life came. Jeffery left me. I was devastated. I couldn't eat or sleep or breathe without him. I was drowning in my sorrow. I was consumed by grief. He was my LOVE! My one and only! Oh, sob, sob! Cry. SOB! Months passed, and still I hoped. My love! My lost! My freedom! Oh, dearest rose! SOB! Sob. CRY! Depression consumed me, and my hardly existent father began to worry.

And that was when the leprechauns came in. At my father's suggestion, a friend from school named Caleb comforted me, and soon we were falling in love, though I kept Jeffery tucked in my heart. It turned out that Caleb was a leprechaun, and I knew from Jeffery's (sob) long talks with me that they were hated enemies. Still, with my true love nowhere in sight, I could not help but fall for the shining promises of the all-too-eager leprechaun. But I could not really love Caleb, so when Jeffery returned, I dropped the silly leprechaun like a hot coal and returned to my undying, completely true love.

It was then that I decided there was no way we were ever going to be apart again, not even for a day, but, seeing that gnomes are immortal, we had a problem. I demanded he turn me into one of them, a process mysterious in my humanity, but he refused. He was hesitant because of his good morals (Jeffery is just _so_ perfect), but I was unable to comprehend spending my life with anyone but him. It was a tough topic, but I graduated from high school safely, and fell into his arms as his wife, lover, and now, fellow gnome. I inherited a power, too, but instead of falling into depression and awkwardly figuring out my new gnome-body, I immediately adapted and started training my power to the fullest. I could create a protective force field around my companions while flying 3000 feet in the air, invisible, or as a bird, while Tulipine changed her hair to green and Ally shrunk things like usual. They all said I was amazing and I only giggled. (of course I'm amazing)

We lived in happiness, Jeffery and I. We had a child named Bonjeffalebtulipally, who was the apple of our eyes. We nicknamed her Cerberus, because she was just that adorable, and our friends began calling her that, too.

Apparently, word of our happiness got around, and some seriously jealous people came to take us out. But I protected everyone with my force field while invisible 3000 feet in the air, and soon, the jealous ones gave up. Oh, teehee, it turned out that they were the ruling class of all gnomes! No biggie, right?

Now, we live in perfect happiness, enjoying ourselves like the happiest couple you ever knew, except happier. We expect Bonjeffalebtulipally to grow up to be a prodigy, because our love was just so strong it had to create something better than everything else possibly could. You know how love goes.

Well, ta ta for now! I'm off to rescue the lonely, saddish girls who are perfectly deserving of love but completely undeserving of Jeffery, because he's mine! Bye!


End file.
